This is SO not about me...

To say I was reluctant to begin the adoption process is an understatement.

I knew it was important to my sweet husband, who is an adoptee himself. I always said I was on board to use adoption as part of our family plan, but I wanted it on my terms--we'd have a couple of biological kids, then we'd adopt. So, when things started working out differently than I planned, I was devastated.

Rob first started the discussion on adoption about a year ago and got a chilly reception from me. At the time, we'd been trying to conceive for about a year and a half and I just knew it was only a matter of time before I got pregnant, so adoption was not on the table in my mind.

Fast forward to this Spring. Still no pregnancy and my hopes were fading fast as I watched friends and family members celebrate their pregnancies. At the end of May, I told Rob I was finished trying to get pregnant and I was open to adoption.

The thing is--I really wasn't. I was too wrapped up in grieving the pregnancy I never had and thinking of all the things I'd miss out on if we adopted. I also focused on all of the adoption misconceptions out there (more on those later) and couldn't see how it was ever going to work. I was so wrapped up in my own little (ok, GIANT) pity party, I wasn't able to see the big picture and how this adoption really isn't about me. At all.

What?! How could it NOT be? It was my infertility issues that brought us here. I was the one who cried every single day for two months. It was me who had to drag herself out of bed every morning and muster up the courage and strength to go to work. I was the one who'd never get to experience all of the fun of a pregnancy-baby showers, random people asking about my due date, etc.

I asked God time and time again why this was happening. Why did this have to be my testimony? Why couldn't anything come easily for me? (See-I told you it was a big 'ol pity party!) I remember praying, "God, it's not like I'm Beth Moore or something! I'm not going to be a good advocate for adoption because it wasn't my first choice!" Wow. How self-centered can a girl get?

Today, five months to the day after I told Rob we could adopt, I've come to realize that none of this-not even one little tiny piece-has anything to do with me. It is about God's plan for our family. Not mine. It's about the possibility of Rob being reunited with the birth mom he has never known. It's about Rob getting the chance to feel the way his parents felt when a three day-old baby was placed in their arms, when just days before they didn't know if they'd ever be parents.

I've droned on long enough, so I won't bore you with the details of the past five months, but I will tell you that the Lord has changed my heart. He has humbled me in the midst of my selfishness. He has shown me that His plan for our family is SO much more amazing than anything I could have ever imagined.

Until next time...

~M